Hi , it's 6:00 am on Sunday morning, I've been up since 4:30 am. Had a good nights sleep, (took an ambien) at 7:30 pm and got my full 8 hours it promised to deliver. This was much needed as I hadn't slept through the night in at least 4 days. I was first worried that the job I had accepted was going to fall through, as I hadn't heard back from them, then when they did call I was nervous about my capabilities. Anyway yesterday was orientation and all went well, so I was relieved and exhausted.
Yesterday was also the wedding day of my only niece (yes I missed it) though I doubt she noticed. My brother on the other hand may never forgive me, you see it's been my husbands family that has stood and is still standing by me in my decision to leave, not so of my own family. Dennis and the kids all went though, they've said it was a beautiful wedding and Wendy took lots of pictures for me to see. She's going to email them to me today when they get back home. The wedding was in Florida, in my home town, 10 or so hours from where I am right now.
I do hate that I misses it, and if work hadn't called I had planned to go (stares and whispers behind my back be damned), but fate stepped in I guess and saved me (or them) the drama that would probably have surfaced it's ugly head, (that's just the female population of my family), lots of nosey drama queens.
On to other things. My grandaughter is going to have her first trick or treat this year (she was only 7 months old last year) and to young to go door to door. I of course am going to miss it, as I'm sure I'll have to work and it falling on the weekend, but again there will be lots of pictures taken. She will be here with her Poppie on the Friday night and Saturday before, so I'll at least get to see her in her costume and give her my trick or treat goodies (books).
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Catching Up
It's been quite a while since I wrote on this blog. The past 6 weeks or so have involved a lot of changes for my family and myself. I wrote earlier that I was having an idenity crisis of sorts and didn't know what or how to correct the issue. After much deep soul searching I knew I needed to be on my own for at least a while. My husband has been a great support for me, backing my desision even though it's been really rough for him.
My children also have been supportive, noting that they have noticed a difference in my attitude and actions for quite a while. My in-laws and friends also have been there for me. I don't know how long this process will take and if everyone will continue to support my decision, but I appreciate them more than mere words can say.
I have moved 4 hours from my family, I'm searching for a job, and want to begin to find my role in this world. I've been offered 2 jobs and have interviewed for 3 others. I know I'll need to work 2 jobs to afford to live on my own and continue to pay my current debt, and this is one way I will find myself. You see I've always been reliant on someone else for all of my life. I mean I've worked a job since I was 15, but never made enough money that I didn't need someones help. I lived at home till age 17 then I married, and so went from daddy to husband for support. I appreciate that my parents and my husband were always their for me, but I believe that's why I feel the way I do today.
I'm a fairly independent person in other areas of my life. I stand up for what I believe is right, I fight for those things, and I always will. So now I'm choosing to fight for myself. If your interested stick around, I'll share all that is comfortable.
Any family member reading this THANK YOU
My children also have been supportive, noting that they have noticed a difference in my attitude and actions for quite a while. My in-laws and friends also have been there for me. I don't know how long this process will take and if everyone will continue to support my decision, but I appreciate them more than mere words can say.
I have moved 4 hours from my family, I'm searching for a job, and want to begin to find my role in this world. I've been offered 2 jobs and have interviewed for 3 others. I know I'll need to work 2 jobs to afford to live on my own and continue to pay my current debt, and this is one way I will find myself. You see I've always been reliant on someone else for all of my life. I mean I've worked a job since I was 15, but never made enough money that I didn't need someones help. I lived at home till age 17 then I married, and so went from daddy to husband for support. I appreciate that my parents and my husband were always their for me, but I believe that's why I feel the way I do today.
I'm a fairly independent person in other areas of my life. I stand up for what I believe is right, I fight for those things, and I always will. So now I'm choosing to fight for myself. If your interested stick around, I'll share all that is comfortable.
Any family member reading this THANK YOU
Monday, October 4, 2010
What to do now
The hell if I know any more. I left my husband of 34 years this past weekend. Not of he's doing but mine. He's having a really hard time with it, I knew he would but he's always been so very strong, I truly thought he would adjust and we'd move on with our plans. To see where this action took us. I was obviously wrong.
When he and my grandaughter drove off yesterday I thought life would start getting in some kind of order. I'd stay here and find work. Work on myself and become the person I need and should be. You see I've lost myself over the past couple of years. I've lived day to day in a fog, living a life but not living, if that makes since to any one but me. I know I can be a good person again, and help all those I love, but when this will happen I don't know. This is a big problem for Dennis, my not knowing how long I need to find myself, and if in that process, I'll find my way back to him or not. I know he deserves so much better than he's getting right now.
Then today I have talked with him only to find out that our beautiful grandaughter has an ear infection and has been throwing up all day, the doctors have her on an antibiotic and fluids. She will be fine but I've never been away from her befor when she was sick, and it's killing me inside.
He just called me a few minutes ago to tell me our son just lost his job. He and our son are going to be sharing an apartment while I'm away finding myself. Now all this falls on Dennis's shoulders.
He's feeling overwhelmed and very defeated. I know these feeling all to well and I'm feeling his pain. Would going back after one day away help or hurt the situation. I know in someways it would ease Dennis's pain, but in others I'd be adding another kind of pain. When he looks in my eye's and see's the pain in them, he'll just beat himself up all the more. Do I go back for just a few days and see what I can do to help the immediate situation, or would it hurt more when I turn around and leave again? Answers I just don't have.
Dennis I love you and I know we'll survive this, we're best of friends, we've been lovers for 34 years, we've parented 2 beautiful children, and we've been blessed with Lorelei. God will see us through this. Lean on him as we lean on each other and everything will be alright. Hang in the baby.
When he and my grandaughter drove off yesterday I thought life would start getting in some kind of order. I'd stay here and find work. Work on myself and become the person I need and should be. You see I've lost myself over the past couple of years. I've lived day to day in a fog, living a life but not living, if that makes since to any one but me. I know I can be a good person again, and help all those I love, but when this will happen I don't know. This is a big problem for Dennis, my not knowing how long I need to find myself, and if in that process, I'll find my way back to him or not. I know he deserves so much better than he's getting right now.
Then today I have talked with him only to find out that our beautiful grandaughter has an ear infection and has been throwing up all day, the doctors have her on an antibiotic and fluids. She will be fine but I've never been away from her befor when she was sick, and it's killing me inside.
He just called me a few minutes ago to tell me our son just lost his job. He and our son are going to be sharing an apartment while I'm away finding myself. Now all this falls on Dennis's shoulders.
He's feeling overwhelmed and very defeated. I know these feeling all to well and I'm feeling his pain. Would going back after one day away help or hurt the situation. I know in someways it would ease Dennis's pain, but in others I'd be adding another kind of pain. When he looks in my eye's and see's the pain in them, he'll just beat himself up all the more. Do I go back for just a few days and see what I can do to help the immediate situation, or would it hurt more when I turn around and leave again? Answers I just don't have.
Dennis I love you and I know we'll survive this, we're best of friends, we've been lovers for 34 years, we've parented 2 beautiful children, and we've been blessed with Lorelei. God will see us through this. Lean on him as we lean on each other and everything will be alright. Hang in the baby.
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