The hell if I know any more. I left my husband of 34 years this past weekend. Not of he's doing but mine. He's having a really hard time with it, I knew he would but he's always been so very strong, I truly thought he would adjust and we'd move on with our plans. To see where this action took us. I was obviously wrong.
When he and my grandaughter drove off yesterday I thought life would start getting in some kind of order. I'd stay here and find work. Work on myself and become the person I need and should be. You see I've lost myself over the past couple of years. I've lived day to day in a fog, living a life but not living, if that makes since to any one but me. I know I can be a good person again, and help all those I love, but when this will happen I don't know. This is a big problem for Dennis, my not knowing how long I need to find myself, and if in that process, I'll find my way back to him or not. I know he deserves so much better than he's getting right now.
Then today I have talked with him only to find out that our beautiful grandaughter has an ear infection and has been throwing up all day, the doctors have her on an antibiotic and fluids. She will be fine but I've never been away from her befor when she was sick, and it's killing me inside.
He just called me a few minutes ago to tell me our son just lost his job. He and our son are going to be sharing an apartment while I'm away finding myself. Now all this falls on Dennis's shoulders.
He's feeling overwhelmed and very defeated. I know these feeling all to well and I'm feeling his pain. Would going back after one day away help or hurt the situation. I know in someways it would ease Dennis's pain, but in others I'd be adding another kind of pain. When he looks in my eye's and see's the pain in them, he'll just beat himself up all the more. Do I go back for just a few days and see what I can do to help the immediate situation, or would it hurt more when I turn around and leave again? Answers I just don't have.
Dennis I love you and I know we'll survive this, we're best of friends, we've been lovers for 34 years, we've parented 2 beautiful children, and we've been blessed with Lorelei. God will see us through this. Lean on him as we lean on each other and everything will be alright. Hang in the baby.
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